Posted by: mdegeorge | September 7, 2011

Ringing in the new football season in garish fashion

It’s good to see the college football season returning. But joy aside, it hasn’t always been easy on the eyes.

Non-conference games have always given schools a chance to trot out controlled portions of their playbooks and test their mettle to a degree not possible on the practice field. Apparently, it’s also given schools carte blanche to recruit fashion school dropouts to conjure up the most unwieldy, kitschy, mass-consumerism pandering abominations of uniforms possible.

Photo via Twitter user @umterps

How do you know it’s a bad week of outfitting on the gridiron? It’s when Oregon’s faux-metallic, black-on-battleship-gray, vented numbers appear not that bad.

There were the relatively minor infractions: Minnesota’s distractingly glittery helmets, Tulsa’s Pro Bowl-surplus unis, the Duke Blue Devils all-black jerseys and the Florida Creamsicle outfits.

Then there were the major violators (shockingly, Miami was not among them).

Up first are the gray disgraces worn by Oklahoma State. Apparently orange, black and white weren’t enough color options for the Cowboys, who then chose to add these gunmetal gray numbers. At least the designers saved the Cowboys the trouble of perspiring by including ready-made sweat stains, including the always appealing belly sweat patch.

Then there was Georgia with their all-red outfits that conjured memories of Marvin Martian. It’s no surprise then that their ladybug outfits and stained-glass helmets were unable to withstand the Boise State attack.

But the winner of the losers, the cream of the crap, has to be Maryland. Yes, they pulled out a win against an undermanned Miami team who had 64 players suspended for 358 NCAA violations, 79 misdemeanors and seven felonies (by approximate counts). The Terps used their Sunday night showcase to display perhaps the most hideous uniforms we’ve seen since some of Oregon’s first forays into uniformed insanity. The deconstruction of one of the cooler state flags worked well in theory. In practice, they looked like a bizarre Power Rangers squadron. Those unis were so outlandish that they wouldn’t have made the cut in Any Given Sunday.

It’s nice to be back into the swing of college football things again. Perhaps things will precede a little less garishly the rest of the season.

Photo via @umterps

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